Let’s get serious. The reality shows currently swamping the cable channels aren’t cutting the condiments. So, as a service to the networks, here are my top 10 reality shows the world desperately needs:
10. Spy on Me. Ten families agree to let the NSA spy on them (as if there was a choice). Nine will be voted off for terroristic behavior and promptly visited by the IRS. The winners gets to move on with their lives.
9. Tattooed Moms. Ten tattoo-free moms will set out each week to see who can get the most outrageous and embarrassing tattoo. The winner will get free tattoo removal service.
8. Learn Your Language. A dozen high-school English teachers will select random U.S. facebook posters and attempt to teach them English. The English teacher with highest scoring student will have full access to delete facebook posts that destroy the language (he or she will be allowed to hire a team of several million assistants to help).
7. Potty Mouth Island. Twenty teenage boys will be trapped on an island with NO INTERNET and NO TV! They will be given tasks, like washing dishes and cleaning bedrooms. The teen who drops the most f-bombs each is off the island. The winner gets a free enlistment in the Navy.
6. Gamer Detox. Twenty self-described “gamers” will be locked in rooms full of classic literature and a bloody, violent video game. Top book readers go on to the next week. The winner gets a job.
5. Restoring Dignity. Twelve women will compete each week to see who can do the best job of telling a rich, attractive young man to blow it out his ear. The winner gets to show her face in public.
4. I Built This! 530 Congressmen, 100 Senators, and a President will be forced to run a small business for one year. Whoever actually manages to post a profit will be taxed until he or she is down to one remaining pair of clean underwear. No winners.
3. One-Star. 20 people who have never posted anything better than a one-star ranking on Amazon will be given laptops, notebooks, and locked in a room for one year. Whoever gets the highest ranking gets one year of Amazon Prime and a 2-week vacation with every author he’s trashed.
2. Yelp This! Much like One-Star, 20 Yelpers who never rank a restaurant better than one-star will be given a kitchen. Each week they must prepare a meal and have it judged by Gordon Ramsay, Robert Irvine, and Jillian Michaels (hey…it’s my show). Winner gets to eat free at McDonalds for the rest of his or her life.
And the number 1 reality show the world desperately needs is…
1.TMI. 100 contestants selected for their incessant “too much information” posting on facebook will compete to see who can go the longest without posting their latest lamentation, drunken episode, or sexual conquest. Losers lose their internet access forever. Winner keeps his or her friends.