As I understand it, Winter Olympic sports were developed from real-life situations often encountered in the daily lives of northern folk. While this still doesn’t explain curling, I do believe it’s time to update some of these events to better reflect the modern snow-dwelling peoples. So I give you my top 10 Olympic Sports we really want to see…
10. Beat the plow: athletes must shovel fifty feet of driveway plus another twenty feet into the road before the county snowplow buries them and their families alive.
9. Blind auto racing: drivers race on a 20 mile track with a 1/4″ coating of salt on their windshields.
8. Teenage endurance racing: 13 to 16 year old athletes must walk ten miles in twenty degree weather wearing only torn jeans and t-shirts. Points lost for showing signs of discomfort.
7. Freestyle falling: athletes must slip while going to a mailbox. Points for distance, landing, and creative use of profanity.
6. Ice crawling: athletes must crawl, using only their fingernails, over 50 feet of ice back to their front porch. Can be done in conjunction with freestyle falling.
5. Team push: teams of 4 athletes push 1975 Pontiac Bonnevilles out of two feet of snow while a driver keeps the accelerator pushed to the floor. Points lost for use of common sense.
4. High-heeled crosswalk: female athletes wearing skirts and high heels must cross four lanes of ice coated asphalt before the light changes and they are crushed by traffic.
3. Left-laning: auto racers must maintain a speed of 70mph in a snow-covered left lane. Points earned for every other driver they manage to involve in their eventual accident.
2. Slush racing: runners race for time through two inches of semi-melted snow and ice.
and the #1 Winter Olympic sport we’d really like to see…
1. Real sledding: athletic dads must race uphill while pulling a sled full of four year olds screaming for him to go faster. Points added for creative use of profanity (by the dads).