The 2014 ACFW Writer’s conference is upon us! There’s plenty of tips out there for the first time attendee, but they’re usually written with women in mind. So, as a public service, I offer you my 2014 ACFW Writer’s Conference Tips for Men.
- Pack nail polish to patch up cracked cylinder heads on your rental car.
- Scrunch your clothes into a ball when you pack. Real writers look like they’ve slept in their clothes.
- Bring breath mints for your agent interviews. Those guys always have coffee and garlic breath.
- Order cheap business cards for all those free lunch fish bowls in the local restaurants.
- Your one sheet should include your latest book, author bio, and a photo of your biggest buck taken to date.
- Pack your Pocket Fisherman for a little down time at that river near the hotel.
- Dress comfortably. Your favorite NASCAR t‐shirt for the workshops and a nice button down flannel shirt for dinner.
- Bribing agents is always recommended. Free tip: Chip MacGregor is a collector of those singing fish wall mounts.
- Speaking of agents, don’t bother with scheduled interviews. Grab them where you’ve got their undivided attention. Bathroom stalls are perfect. All elevators have emergency stop buttons. And deflated tires on their rental car is a good way to keep them in one spot while you make your 90 minute pitch.
- Women outnumber men by 50:1. Map out the quickest route to a televised football game or Bassmasters tournament. If you’re tempted to describe an eye color as “chocolate” or notice that your shoes don’t go with your wallet, that map can save your life. In a pinch, keep a water bottle filled with Pennzoil 5W-30. Tastes terrible, but hey, it beats a life of furniture shopping for FUN.
- Don’t make fun of the afformentioned women. They run this joint. It’s just like church.
- If you’re offered a book contract, the appropriate response is a high-five. If you feel tempted to “squeeeeee!” or Snoopy dance…you got it, the 5W-30. Guzzle it.
- The dinners are BYOB. Yes, for the cost you’d think someone would fix that, but so far I’ve had no luck. Keep the six-pack under your chair, though. Otherwise you’ll have to share.
- Before leaving the conference, make sure you have the name and e-mail addresses of everyone you’ve offended. You’ll want to send them a photo of your next buck along with a nice apology. It won’t help, but you get to show off your buck that way.
And those are my tips for men for the 2014 ACFW Conference! Got any more? Feel free to share.